Events 8, 9 & 10: The Grand Finale

The Final Three Events of the 2006 Mancathlon were held at Simon’s Backyard, Waitakere Trusts Stadium & Waitemata Gun Club on a Saturday afternoon and were attended by the following Mancathletes:

Guy Trowbridge, Caleb Staines, AJ Sutton, Vidaal Nankervis, Conrad Blight, Brydon Price, Sean Holden, Simon Judkins, Stuart Brooke & Shane Munro.

For those that were not there, who did not witness it all really happening, how would one describe The Mancathlon… That it was good? That it was true? That it was manly? That it was all these things and yet was so much more? How does one define that which is indefinable, that thing which we call The Spirit of The Mancathlon. Well, if you’re Michelle, you describe it as a 12-week long stag party, and yeah, that’s probably pretty accurate. It was sweeeeet for sure. But it’s over now, and here’s how it broke down on the last day of last chances as 10 Mancathletes jockied for position on the leaders board – for glory, for precious Mancathlon points and (for one man) the chance to be the very first ‘Big Chief’, with his name engraved forever at the top of that shiny silver trophy…

Woodchopping:

A manly event for sure. Woodchopping really had a sense of danger and excitement about, and as each Mancathlete stood in front of the specially constructed plinth, feeling the heft of that 4-pound Fuller Pro axe w/ Genuine Hickory Handle and staring down at that 160 mm thick slab of pine before him, that he could feel his central nervous system flood with adrenaline, his muscles tense in anticipation and his pupils dilate with the raw, animal energy of the moment…

Trowbridge kicked things off in intimidating fashion, his good V technique and strong chopping style showing that he was prepared to represent Waipuk to the fullest in this event of rural manliness. As the applause sounded, the gathered audience wondered aloud whether Guy’s 2 min 43 sec could prove totally unbeatable. Staines was up next, and was let down significantly by his dirty smokers lungs, clocking up a lengthy 8 min chop but impressing all present with the pride that ensured he never quit (chopping that is, not smoking). Sutton & Nankervis both put in solid chops at the 4 min 40 sec and 3 min 19 sec marks respectively. Next at the platform was Blight, who against all expectations proceeded to slice through the hard pine like butter with his textbook technique and long swing, staggering the audience with his 1 min 10 sec chop. Price struggled with his chop, clocking up 16 & a half minutes and absolutely exhausting himself but not giving up and finally breaking through the stubborn log to a huge round of applause from an appreciative audience. Holden, looking the part in swandri and beanie, weighed in with a respectable 5 min 54 sec chop. Judkins literally attacked his log, displaying a level of anger and ferocity that shocked the audience as they watched in stunned silence. Nevertheless, it paid dividends as he broke through the brutalized pine after just 2 min 27 sec for a 3rd placing. Next up was Brooke, the man with the most photographed crotch of the day, decked out in tight blue stubbies and forestry gumboots. Brooke swung into his log with a strong series of chops, breaking through in just 2 min 2 sec and adding another 4 points to his total. Last up was Munro, in regulation dark-blue farmer’s singlet and chopping hard to get on the board with 3 min 1 sec, continuing on his personal road to redemption in the Mancathlon 2006.

Points Scored – Blight (5), Brooke (4), Judkins (3), Trowbridge (2) and Munro (1)

100m Dash:

A speedy relocate westwards found the Mancathletes, and the audience, in the inspiring surrounds of the Waitakere Trusts Stadium, the  field of dreams. Various arcane stretches were performed to try and limber up rusty old calf & hamstring muscles followed by some pointless debate over where 100 metres ended on the track. Meanwhile, Mr Brooke continued his psychological warfare campaign by unveiling a truly nasty leotard and hotpants combo.
Heat 1 Results – Sutton (1st), Munro (2nd), Blight (3rd), Judkins (4th) & Staines (5th).
Heat 2 Results – Brooke (1st), Trowbridge (2nd), Nankervis & Price (tied 3rd) & Holden (8th)
The final saw a strong front pack of 3 Mancathletes battling it out for a photo finish:
Final Results – Brooke (1st), Vidaal (2nd), Sutton (3rd), Trowbridge (4th), Blight (5th), Price (6th) & Munro (Who knows? Can’t see him anywhere in the race footage…)

Points Scored – Brooke (5), Nankervis (4), Sutton (3), Trowbridge (2) and Blight (1)

Clay Pigeon Shooting:

Shotguns, flying fluorescent clay discs and just 15 squeezes of the trigger standing between each Mancathlete and his final ranking in the ’06 competition. After a delicious, nourishing lunch of potato chips and salted peanuts we moved to the range for our 10 practice shots. It quickly become clear that while shooting guns rules, this may not be a high scoring event and that in the perceptive words of our host “A bunch of f*cking schoolgirls could shoot better than you lot”. Sutton was the only one who gave us any hope of representing the Mancathlon with pride at this stage by shooting 4 out of 10 in the practice round.

However, once the competition began in earnest a second Mancathlete emerged as a force to be reckoned with – Mr Nankervis found his mojo and after his penultimate shot he was tied with Sutton on 6 hits; he kept his cool on the final pull and took 1st place in the event with a total of 7 targets. Capping off a huge day for the Beef, Stuart Brooke took 3rd Place with 5 targets (or whatever you call them). Shane blew 4 little discy things out of the sky and Judkins, Blight & Holden showed 3 bright orange discs who the boss really was. Price & Staines shot the crap out of 2 filthy little dayglo clay whatsits as they flew through the air while Trowbridge failed to destroy any of the speedy clay banditos with his bang stick.

Points Scored – Nankervis (5), Sutton (4), Brooke (3), Munro (2) and Blight (0.33), Holden (0.33) & Judkins (0.33)

And so, as the smell of gunpowder wafted around our nostrils like the tendrils of some deformed and drunken siren, we retired to the Gun Club lounge for points tabulation, an icy cold beverage and the presentation of the richest prize in sports entertainment – THE MANCATHLON TROPHY.
Various Mancathletes had enjoyed the feeling of being numero uno on the Points Table over the course of the competition, but since his breakout performance at the Hot Dog Eating comp there was really only one man to beat and in the end, no one could. With a huge 30 points on the table, that man was Stu “Beef” Brooke – the Big Chief, Mancathlon 2006. Celebrating in style with a chilled trophy full of Lion Red, Stu fought through a series of nasty looking ice cream headaches to scull back the well deserved winners cup – a stellar effort.

Sean too was celebrating, having finally got on the board at the 11th hour with 1/3 of a point he had also picked up the inaugural ‘I Lost the Mancathlon’ Trophy. As he gritted his teeth and sculled back 25 mls of cold lager, Holden reflected to himself that truly the Mancathlon was an event of extraordinary magnitude and that in his own way he had been touched by it and now saw life in a new, vivid and exciting way.

“Spirit of the Mancathlon” award goes to Brydon Price, the only Mancathlete to compete in every single event this year, and always displaying appropriate piss and vinegar.
And to everyone else – good shit, that ruled.

POINTS TABLE (after ten events plus bonus round)

Brooke – 30
Blight – 22.83
Nankervis – 22.50
Sutton – 22
Judkins – 16.33
Price – 10
Dunn – 10
Staines – 9
Munro – 9
Trowbridge – 9
Holden – 0.33

The Following Mancathletes were absent from The Grand Final:
Chris Dunn

The Mancathlon Sporting & Aerobics Committee would like to extend special thanks to the following People, Venues & Organisations for their part in the 2006 Season:
The Dogs Bollix, Joe at the Auckland Trophy Centre, Rodney MacFarlane, Grant Joe, Sam Corban, Tarver Graham (voted off 16/9), Leigh at Hollywood Props, Teachers Eastern Rugby Club, Thomas at Fordes Bar, Peter at The Schooner Tavern, Gongan Sarang K-Bar, Pinepac Kumeu,  & anyone who came to an event and either clapped, or laughed at us, or both.

Juarez signing off…

AQUILA NON CAPIT MUSCAS

Bonus Round: Hotornot.Com

And so,

At 11 o’clock on a Friday night 12 Mancathletes were presented to the world, to be scrutinised, to be appraised, analysed & assessed by giggling teenage girls, horny housewives and drunken jaded internet surfers of all nationalities across all time zones. From Beirut to Bogota, Miami to Hamilton, they looked, they clicked, and 72 hours later here’s how the chips fell (Ratings monitored every 12 hours or so).

Mancathlete1 Conrad 9.1 8.1 8.8 8 8.3 8.3
Mancathlete2 Stuart - 8.3 9.1 8.6 8.6 8.7
Mancathlete3 Tarvio - 7 7.2 7.2 7.1 0
Mancathlete4 Sean 8.8 6.5 7.2 7.1 6.8 6.6
Mancathlete5 Simon 6.1 5.4 5.9 6.1 6.1 6.1
Mancathlete6 Chris 8.5 7.6 7.3 7.3 7.3 7.3
Mancathlete7 Shane 3.2 3.8 4.3 5 5 5
Mancathlete8 Vidaal 9.6 8.3 8 7.9 7.9 8.3
Mancathlete9 Caleb 8.7 7.6 7.5 7.6 7.7 7.6
Mancathlete10 AJ 8.1 6.9 7.4 8.1 8.5 8.6
Mancathlete11 Brydon 2.9 4.2 5.7 5.6 5.9 5.9
Mancathlete12 Guy 9.3 9.4 9.3 9.1 9.1 9.1

Points wise, the end result was this – Guy (5), Stu (4), AJ (3), Vidaal (1.5) & Conrad (1.5). By the time 72 hours rolled around the ratings had settled into a stable configuration with only minor variations over the 12 hourly monitored cycles, but not before the following dramas had been played out…

In the opening stages of the contest Nankervis had staked the top spot for himself with the drunkenly endearing “cheers” shot but was unable to maintain the huge early score as the weekend progressed, eventually tying with Blight for 4th. Trowbridge on the other hand shifted into first place and was totally unassailable for the duration, never scoring less than 9 and moving onto the points board in a convincing fashion. Come Sat morning, Brooke had insufficient votes to register a rating but by Sat night he was in 2nd place, where he remained until the conclusion, garnering 4 points & once more making himself the man to beat in The Mancathlon. Sutton’s jpeg fought back from a disappointing Sat night performance to finish well, vying closely with the square-jawed Mr Brooke for the upper echelons.

Congratulations to Holden for entering the contest in style, he won strong feedback from the boozy Fri night crowd with his aikido-afro gambit but it petered out over the following 2 days. Always controversial, Tarver ‘Tarvio’ Graham had his final 7.3 rating wiped from this event after being outed for steroid abuse. For those Mancathletes who did not score as highly as they would have liked (i.e. everyone except Trowbridge) remember, you’re still hot…you’re just not as hot as Guy.

Event 7: Karaoke

The Seventh Event of the 2006 Mancathlon was held at Gongan Sarang Korean Restaurant & Karaoke Bar on a Saturday night and was attended by the following Mancathletes:

Brydon Price, Shane Munro, Stuart Brooke, Vidaal Nankervis, Simon Judkins, AJ Sutton, Conrad Blight, Guy Trowbridge & Chris Dunn.

‘Gongan Sarang’ – who knows what it really means? But for one night on Saturday the 26th August 2006 it meant Showmanship, it meant The Beautiful Gift of Song and in at least 2 instances it meant Highly Pornographic Semi-Fake Moustaches. Possibly the most anticipated of the Mancathlon Events, Event 7 saw eight nervous Mancathletes awaiting their turn on the podium, with three and half minutes to strut their stuff and demonstrate mastery of the cultural and performance aspects of manliness. Most had selected their songs earlier in the week and had been preparing in the comfort of their showers and japanese imports, others opted for the spontaneous approach and made their song selections off the cuff on the night. The event was supported and adjudicated in style by an enthusiastic contingent of guest female judges. And so, as the lights dimmed and the fluorescent song credits rolled across the screen we welcomed to the stage…

Brydon Price w/ “Don’t Look Back In Anger” by Oasis
Almost a non-attender due to illness Brydon must be commended for the Mancathlon spirit that compelled him from his sick bed and onto the stage for the brave first performance of the night. A last minute song choice saw him take on Manchester’s favorite sons and their pub-rock classic. What Mr Price lacked in vocal chops he made up for with a winning smile and stage presence that had the audience singing along and cheering in appreciation.

Shane Munro w/ “My Way” by Frank Sinatra
Taking to the stage in a dapper tie and beret ensemble, Munnas proceeded to impress the audience with his baritone rendition of the Ol’ Blue Eyes standard. An excellent song choice but not as simple as Mr Munro made it seem, the length and tempo of the song could have made for dull viewing in lesser hands, instead he made it the ballad of the night with his commanding performance. Almost pulled off the long notes at the end…

Stuart Brooke w/ “Roxanne” by The Police
Visibly struggling with the unorthodox Karaoke arrangement of the legendary new-wave punk classic, Brooke rose above the obstacles to deliver an hypnotic and engaging performance. His balls-out vocal style was well suited to the soaring melodies of Sting and his tale of red hot, red-light loving. Sadly the interrupted vocals kept him out of contention for points in this event.

Vidaal Nankervis w/ “Heartbreak Hotel” by Elvis Presley
Another last-minute attendee, Mr Nankervis put his money on the King and it paid dividends. Starting well, he slumped somewhat in the middle struggling with a few of the lyrics but he brought it on home during the second half with a very solid interpretation of the rockabilly masterpiece. He connected with the audience via his vocal swagger and his obvious enjoyment, easing onto the board with 1 point.

Simon Judkins w/ “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen
As Mr Judkins took to the stage only one thing was certain – that the shirt was coming off and that there’d be a tight, wife-beater singlet barely containing the manly paunch underneath. Beyond that it was anyone’s guess as he launched into the renowned Queen rock opera extravaganza… Pretty soon however he had the audience singing along with his dramatic rendition, his arms swinging windmill-style and his body hunched forward in a muscular rock posture. Possibly not the definitive vocal version but a truly riveting physical performance was witnessed by all present.

AJ Sutton w/ “…Baby One More Time” by Britney Spears
Guest Commentary by S. Judkins – “AJ made up for a lack of natural inclination towards vocal performance with a gutsy and somehow beguiling rendition of Britney Spears’ “…Baby One More Time”. The comments from the gallery for future improvement included a fresher pair of underwear and more attention to his bikini line. All in all, a creditable 8th place.”

Conrad Blight w/ “Super Freak” by Rick James
5 inch heels, leather pants, breast plate, cornrows and a mo’ all combined to create the not-very-seamless illusion that Rick James was reincarnated as a slender white dude from Upper Hutt. Ill-advised costume aside, Blight apparently managed to hold a tune for portions of the song but may have had points deducted for making rough love to the stage near the end of a flamboyant performance.

Chris Dunn w/ “Ziggy Stardust” by David Bowie
Dunn, our resident rock star, took to the stage with the ease and grace we anticipated and delivered a beautiful version of the 60′s space-rock milestone “Ziggy Stardust”. What more can I say?

And thus, as the votes flooded in, here’s how it broke down…

Event 7 Points Breakdown -

Conrad (9.39), Chris (8.62), Simon (7.93), Shane (7.54), Vidaal (6.39), Stu (5.93), Brydon (5.57), AJ (5.11), Caleb (0.36), Guy (0.07), Tarver (0.07) & Sean (0.00)

Thanks are due to our polite hosts at Gongan Sarang and to the inimitable Guest MC, sexual juggernaut Nick Walker. Extra Special Thanks are due to Guy Trowbridge for the sweeeet design work on the Judging Forms and to our Guest Judges/Audience for making it such a stellar night.
Thanks also to delicious Hite Beer “for social lubricity” and to the other acts that interspersed our performances with their professional versions of various modern American angst-rock classics…

POINTS TABLE (after seven events)

Blight – 15
Brooke – 14
Judkins – 13
Sutton – 12
Nankervis – 12
Price – 10
Dunn – 10
Staines – 9
Munro – 6
Graham – 0
Trowbridge – 0
Holden – 0

The Following Mancathletes were absent from Event 7:
Caleb Staines, Sean Holden & Tarver Graham.

Plus, sad to say, The Sperm Count Competition won’t be happening this year due to expense and hassle so only the one bonus round…any complaints should be emailed in writing to juarezdontcare@freehosting.cz

As Always…AQUILA NON CAPIT MUSCAS

Event 6: The Arm Wrestle

The Sixth Event of the 2006 Mancathlon was held in the Schooner Tavern on Saturday afternoon and was attended by the following Mancathletes:

Conrad Blight, Caleb Staines, Brydon Surname, Simon Judkins, Vidaal Nankervis, AJ Sutton, Chris Dunn & Stuart Brooke.

The Schooner Tavern was ground zero for the Mancathlon’s purest and manliest confrontation – the Arm Wrestle. With the big man Shane Munro on a romantic getaway and vego powerhouse Guy Trowbridge sick in bed it felt like it could be anyone’s competition. And so as the Mancathletes assembled, each man was sizing up his respective opponent, wondering to himself…does he have the explosive power, fast twitch muscle fibers and wrist strength required to take me out? Will my intense regime of preacher curls and heavy hand grippers this week pay off? And does a frenzied programme of beating off really give you an unbeatably powerful right forearm?

Round 1
First into the breach was Price vs Nankervis – Nankervis put Price away quick and progressed to round 2.
Next came Judkins vs Dunn – Once again Judkins brought the psychological warfare tactics, stripping down to a black singlet and disrespecting his opponent. Judkins bested Dunn swiftly & moved through to round 2.
Sutton vs Blight – Blight gained an early advantage with his toproll technique but failed to capitalise sufficiently on the leverage allowing Sutton to fight back with his superior strength and proceed to round 2.
Staines vs Brooke – The Dark Horse Staines was unable to strategize against Brooke’s powerhouse approach.

Round 2
Nankervis vs Brooke – Another convincing win for Brooke.
Judkins vs Sutton – Honestly I can’t remember, I guess that means it wasn’t that good, but maybe it was?

Runners-Up Rounds
Blight vs Staines – I do remember this one cos I won it and got a point, sweet.
Nankervis vs Judkins – But I can’t really remember this one sorry, I’m gonna assume it was awesome. Anyway, Vidaal won it and walked away with 3 points, leaving Judkins with 2.

Round 3 – The Final
Sutton vs Brooke – I have vague memories of this one but I can’t really recall if it was short & decisive or drawn-out & epic. I’m sure it was a good one though and left Mr Brooke as the Event Champ for a 2nd week running and catapulting him into first place on the leader’s board.
So, apologies for the vague reportage but hey, I’m ill, I can’t be held responsible, get over it.

Also – thanks to Pete Fletcher, our friendly & enthusiastic host at the Schooner and thanks to Chris’s girlfriend for assuming guest referee duties with appropriate diligence and professionalism…

POINTS TABLE (after six events)

Brooke – 14
Sutton – 12
Nankervis – 11
Brydon – 10
Blight – 10
Judkins – 10
Staines – 9
Dunn – 6
Munro – 4
Graham – 0
Trowbridge – 0
Holden – 0

The Following Mancathletes were absent from Event 6:
Sean Holden, Tarver Graham, Shane Munro & Guy Trowbridge.

“Tell you the truth, the truck is, uh, you know, the most important thing for me. I… I don’t really… it doesn’t matter if I, uh, become the champion or anything. That’s, that’s not the most important… I… I need this truck.”

Event 5: Hot Dog Eating

The Fifth Event of the 2006 Mancathlon was held in Shane’s living room on a Saturday afternoon and was attended by the following Mancathletes:

Vidaal Nankervis, AJ Sutton, Stuart Brooke, Tarver Graham, Conrad Blight, Caleb Staines, Brydon , Simon Judkins, Guy Trowbridge & Shane Munro.

An impressive roster of Mancathletes was on hand for the Speed Eating Contest this past weekend at Maison de Munro. As 60 buns, 54 steaming red dogs, 6 herb dogs and assorted condiments were laid out in front of the gathered competitors there was a palpable sense of anticipation in the air (as well as the stench of delicious sodium filled frankfurters, and a hint of cheap aftershave in the enclosed environment). Judkins attempted some pre-match psyche out techniques by revealing a stained net singlet, smothering his dogs in mustard and trash talking his fellow competitors. But as guest-referee Michelle Wilkinson announced the opening of the Big Eat, the room suddenly become silent with focus and concentration as 10 Mancathletes hunched over the dog-laden table and put their stomachs (and colonic health) on the line for Precious Mancathlete Points.

Certain competitors emerged with a hiss and a roar but then flagged as the competition progressed, while others managed to maintain a steady pace into those difficult 3rd and 4th dogs, but at the end of the comp only one man emerged as the true Champ of the Chowdown – Stu Beef. With an astounding 6 dogs & buns in 5.54 minutes, Mr Brooke put in a helluva stellar effort and as he posed proudly with the winner’s booty of uneaten dogs his manly visage betrayed just a hint of the inner turmoil that he must have been experiencing. Shane Munro ended his dry spell in style by consuming 5 1/2 dogs and “The Silent Assasin” Staines slid into 3rd place with his 5 dog run; while Sutton and Judkins got points on the table with their 4 7/8 and 4 6/8 dogs respectively. Scrapping it out for the lower echelons were Blight (4 1/8), Trowbridge (3 1/8) and Brydon, Graham & Nankervis, each with 3 dogs down the gullet.

Special mention must go to Guy Trowbridge for his efforts in consuming 3 rather large and tawdry looking vege herb dogs.

Also, in an announcement from Mr Munro – a pair of cut-off denim shorts was left behind after the event, possibly as part of some ill-advised and distasteful preparation for the hot-dog eating competition. Please step forward and claim these if you are the owner…

POINTS TABLE (after five events)

Brydon – 10
Blight – 9
Staines – 9
Brooke – 9
Nankervis – 8
Judkins – 8
Sutton – 8
Dunn – 6
Munro – 4
Graham – 0
Trowbridge – 0
Holden – 0

The Following Mancathletes were absent from Event 5:

Sean Holden & Chris Dunn.

Event 4: Speed Chess

The Fourth Event of the 2006 Mancathlon was held at Forde’s Front Bench Bar on Sunday evening and was attended by the following Mancathletes:

Tarver Graham, Conrad Blight, Chris Dunn, Caleb Staines, Brydon, Simon Judkins & Wild Card entry Guy Trowbridge.

Outside the atmosphere was cold, wet and clammy. Inside the atmosphere was hot and sticky with the perspiring of manly cerebellums, within brain cases straining from mental exertion. Thomas Forde and his left-wing political enclave/bar hosted the intellectual leg of the Mancathlon which saw a total of 7 Mancathletes duking it out across the checkered board for Precious Mancathlete Points.

Speed Chess proved to be surprisingly entertaining and was enlivened by the unexpected appearance of Tarver Graham along with the final wild-card entrant Mr Guy Trowbridge. Match of the night went to Judkins vs. Dunn in a neck and neck showdown that ended in a last minute defeat for Judkins, both players emerged as the dominant forces in the tournament with Dunn coming out on top after several wins. Graham got 2 points on the board against Trowbridge but was not present to defend against Staines. Meanwhile Blight and Brydon scrapped it out for little morsels of brain meat at the bottom end of the points table…

At the end of the night Forde put a bottle of champagne on the line and went up against Dunn in a riveting mano-a-mano speed chess stoush, which saw Dunn take a respectable loss and Forde graciously offering to shout Dunn a drink on his next visit.

POINTS TABLE (after four events)

Brydon – 10
Blight – 9
Nankervis – 8
Judkins – 7
Dunn – 6
Sutton – 6
Staines – 6
Brooke – 4
Munro – 0
Graham – 0
Trowbridge – 0
Holden – 0

The Following Mancathletes were absent from Event 4:

Vidaal Nankervis, AJ Sutton, Stuart Brooke, Shane Munro, Sean Holden.

Event 3: Forceback

The Third Event of the 2006 Mancathlon was held at Teachers Eastern Rugby Grounds on a Saturday afternoon and was attended by the following Mancathletes:

Stuart Brooke, Shane Munro, Vidaal Nankervis, AJ Sutton, WC Brydon, Simon Judkins, Caleb Staines, Conrad Blight & Chris Dunn.

A magnificent Auckland day provided the backdrop for the most well-attended and consistently entertaining Mancathlon Event thus far. Brydon & new entry Chris Dunn got stuck into it with the first match of the day; slightly overlong and physically taxing at 9 mins a half, it nevertheless saw an athletic performance from Mr Dunn and a gutsy effort from Brydon. Blight vs Staines saw the introduction of Blight’s uncanny 5-pace technique much to the amusement of the gathered Mancathletes. Game 3 saw some strong kicking from Judkins overcome by Nankervis’s steely showdown kick.

The big guns then entered the tournament – Brooke vs Munro saw some powerful punting but Munro took an early exit; only to come back into it via the wild card rule with a hugemongous 50 metre kick. Sutton vs Munro was another close match up with Sutton’s football-booted technicality coming up against Munro’s barefooted power. The match concluded in a showdown where the ball sheared off Munro’s foot over the sideline, Sutton held his composure and moved through to the 2nd round.

Round 2 saw Dunn departing for a televised performance, Blight picking up a win against Nankervis and Sutton taking down Brooke with some truly ostentatious “play of the day” style catches.

Round 3 witnessed a Blight vs Sutton showdown for supremacy, Sutton took some steady territory in the first half and put a point on the board. Blight was visibly flagging and conceded at half time blaming a calf injury and leaving Sutton as the undisputed Forceback Champ.

POINTS TABLE (after three events)

Vidaal – 8
Brydon – 7
Conrad – 7
AJ – 6
Caleb – 5
Stu – 4
Simon – 3
Chris – 1
Shane – 0
Tarver – 0
Sean – 0

The Following Mancathletes were absent from Event 3:
Tarver Graham, Sean Holden

A third competitor has pulled out and shot it all over the sofa. Mr Sam Corban has regretfully withdrawn his bid for the Mancathlon 06 title as he departs for a 6 week sex tour of Europe that will see him absent for the majority of the contest.

Event 2: Texas Hold ‘Em

The Second Event of the 2006 Mancathlon was held at Hotel Croydon on a Friday night and was attended by the following Mancathletes:

Stuart Brooke, Shane Munro, Vidaal Nankervis, AJ Sutton, Brydon, Caleb Staines and Conrad Blight.

A controversial 2nd Event, the Poker tournament veered wildly between moments of high drama and whiskey/beer induced stupor. As the stakes increased so too did the tension, as not only money but pride and precious Mancathlon points were put on the line. As the evening wore on we saw audacious bluffs and head to head raising contests, eggs were microwaved and tequila shot, the nature of being a Mancathlete was debated and in a final three-way showdown between Conrad, Brydon and Shane – Brydon emerged victorious, pocketing 75 bucks and moving smoothly into first place. The placings on Friday’s event were – 1. Brydon 2. Shane 3. Conrad 4. Vidaal 5. Stu Beef. Come Saturday morning though and Munro put a call through to the Mancathlon command centre requesting that his 4 points be rendered null and void after it was revealed that he had coma’d out for the last hour of play and that Caleb had to step in and operate his cards for him. Naturally we applaud this level of sportsmanship even though it was mightily entertaining at the time.

POINTS TABLE (after two events)

Brydon – 7
Vidaal – 6
Caleb – 5
Simon – 3
Conrad – 3
AJ – 1
Stu – 1
Sam – 0
Sean – 0
Shane – 0
Tarver – 0

The following Mancathletes were absent from Event 2:
Simon Judkins, AJ Sutton, Sam Corban & Sean Holden.

The following Mancathlete was weirdly absent and wouldn’t answer his phone:
Tarver Graham.

A second competitor has shot his bolt and withdrawn prematurely from the Mancathlon ’06 – Mr Rodney MacFarlane has had to bow out due to time commitments involving his MBA and full-time work.

Event 1: Darts

The First Event of the 2006 Mancathlon was held at The Dog’s Bollix this Friday past and was attended with great enthusiasm and virility by the following Mancathletes:

Stuart Brooke, Shane Munro, Vidaal Nankervis, AJ Sutton, Wild Card Brydon, Simon Judkins, Sam Corban and Caleb Staines.

Darts were hefted and set in flight with astonishing vehemence and, at times, impressive accuracy. A good time was had by all, except maybe that whinging drunk chick. Were it within the bounds of our terrestrial calculus each Mancathlete present would surely have been accorded an equal and near-infinite number of competition points for his zeal, piss and vinegar. That would be stupid though, so here’s how it panned out:

POINTS TABLE (after one event)

Caleb – 5
Vidaal – 4
Simon – 3
Brydon – 2
AJ – 1
Conrad – 0
Sam – 0
Sean – 0
Shane – 0
Stuart – 0
Tarver – 0

Congratulations to those with points on the board.

Report filed by Mr C. Staines

The following Mancathletes were absent:
Tarver Graham, Conrad Blight, Sean Holden

Breaking News From The Mancathlon Command Bunker

1] One competitor has folded under pressure and withdrawn from the Mancathlon – Mr Grant Joe has left due to domestic commitments. His presence will be sorely missed though the threat posed by his athletic prowess and competitive spirit will not be …

2] The Official Motto of the 2006 Mancathlon has been decided, for the glory & expansion of the empire. “Aquila Non Capit Muscas” (The Eagle does not Hunt Flies).

“In The Beginning”

There was a Barroom Napkin